DEAR ASK A THERAPIST: One of my friends is a single mom by choice. Her relationship with her adult donor conceived daughter is very strained. My friend loved her dad growing up, and her child has expressed anger at the fact they weren’t given the opportunity to grow up knowing their own father. The daughter engages with their siblings, friends (many of whom are also donor conceived), and bio dad (who they found in adulthood), but not with their mother’s family. The daughter seems happy, despite their mother being concerned. Do you have advice on how to support either of them? – CONCERNED FRIEND
DEAR CONCERNED FRIEND:
It sounds like you are trying to help mother and daughter repair their relationship. That’s very thoughtful.
Parents and adult children can become estranged or have difficulty in their relationships for many reasons, and those reasons can be complicated. Sometimes the best thing we can do to help people we love who are struggling is just to keep loving them. Advice doesn’t really help. We can listen, reflect back what we hear, and be the steady rock for them to lean on.
This is your friend and her daughter’s journey. Hopefully they will eventually find their way back to each other, but that will be up to them. Just keep showing up for them as a friend or relative as they navigate their relationship. Good luck.
Carole LieberWilkins, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist (CA, NV, ID) in private practice. Her work has always focused on helping people build healthy families. She is a passionate educator, helping intended and recipient parents understand the unique aspects of creating a family with the help of other genetic providers (donors) and helping them to understand how to address the needs of their future children or the children they are already parenting. Carole also works with prospective donors and late-discovery donor conceived people. She is proud to work with USDCC, Donor Conceived Community, and ASRM’s Mental Health Professional Group.
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