By Joni Mantell, LCSW
The holidays can be a joyful time full of connection and tradition, yet for donor conceived people (DCP), this season may also stir up complex feelings around family, identity, and belonging. While others might not understand these feelings, know that other DCP have similar experiences and you are not alone. That said, the emotions each individual DCP personally experiences at this time of year will vary and may be impacted by several factors, including:
- How you learned about your donor conception. Have you “always known?” Were you told late? Or did you experience a DNA test surprise? If you have had a very recent discovery, you may be in a state of shock and even trauma.
- Your stage of understanding your DCP identity. Navigating DCP identity and relationships is a complex and ever-evolving process. Any DCP may currently be feeling vulnerable or have a triggering event and feel especially vulnerable during the holidays.
- Your family dynamics. How your family responds to your emotions, curiosity, and needs related to your origins will affect you. Do you find them to be supportive, defensive, intrusive, or minimizing of your feelings?
- Your experience connecting with genetic relatives. This typically very intense experience may be positive, awkward, rejecting, etc. Even if your experience is positive, these are new and complicated relationships, presenting unique stressors.
- Openness, privacy, and secrecy issues. Are you and your family aligned about how open to be with others about your donor conceived status? Differences in attitudes about privacy may cause tension within your family and at family gatherings, especially if you haven’t shared with some or any relatives, or if you want to be open about your discovery and your parents have asked you not to be.
- Traditions and belonging. Holidays are all about traditions. Cultural or family traditions often highlight heritage and shared traits. If your new identity information includes a different heritage or religion, you may find participating in familiar holiday traditions to be particularly confusing or conflictual. If you have met genetic relatives and identify strongly with them, you may be experiencing an amplified feeling of loss or complex feelings about this.
Some Practical Tips for Managing the Season
Wherever you are in relation to these variables, the reality is that the holidays are an emotionally intense time, and family interactions are typically more frequent. Navigating the holidays as a DCP is unique, but there are ways to take care of yourself during this time:
- Get centered by acknowledging your emotions. Our emotions are layered, like an onion. Allow yourself to peel back each layer at your own pace, knowing that it’s okay to feel sadness, anger, confusion, or even relief simultaneously. Working through our complex DCP identities and relationships and grieving takes time, so be patient with yourself.
- Give yourself time to reflect. Set aside moments to journal, light a candle, take a walk, meditate to process your feelings, or talk with a supportive person.
- Acknowledge loss and other emotions. Reflect on what you’re feeling, whether it’s mourning the family narrative you grew up with and/or the opportunity to have grown up knowing your genetic parent, siblings, etc.
- Know that it is okay not to have all the answers right now. Let yourself sit with the emotions, and trust they will evolve. There will be lots of time to process after all of the holiday stress.
- Set boundaries. Your emotional well-being is important. Protect yourself by recognizing your limits and communicating them clearly. You do not need to attend every event or stay in every conversation.
- Take breaks. Step outside during gatherings, take deep breaths, or listen to a grounding song that centers you or brings you comfort.
- Designate a safe person. Share a signal with someone you trust to help you disengage from overwhelming situations.
- Manage openness, privacy, and secrecy issues. Deciding what to share about being donor conceived can be challenging, especially if your family holds differing views. Remember, this is your story to tell, and you have the right to set boundaries.
- Communicate beforehand. Discuss with your parents or siblings what feels comfortable to disclose at gatherings.
- If your parents ask you to maintain secrecy, you will most likely feel conflicted. While it’s your story, navigating these differences can be stressful, especially during emotionally charged holidays. Consider postponing major disclosures if the timing doesn’t feel right.
- Prepare responses for social inquiries when you would prefer privacy. Family gatherings often bring up triggering questions or comments. Plan ahead to navigate these moments with grace and protect your emotional space.
- “That’s a good question—I’m still figuring it out myself.”
- “That’s personal to me. I appreciate your understanding.”
- Change the topic: “I’d rather talk about something else. How’s your new job going?”
- Use humor or a lighthearted tone to deflect. For example, if someone comments on (your lack of) family resemblance, you might say with a smile, “Well, at least I’m the best looking one here!” or “Guess I bring some mystery to the family photo!”
- Redefine or get creative with traditions. The holidays emphasize belonging, which might feel disrupted for you as you learn about new aspects of your own identity. You may feel a sense of disconnect from familiar family traditions or shared heritage based on new information you have learned, or have met new genetic relatives and feel a strong sense of identification with them. One way to cope is to create or adapt traditions that feel authentic to your evolving sense of identity. The key is to focus on what feels right to you, whether it’s holding on to the familiar, exploring the new, or crafting something entirely your own. You can:
- Continue the familiar traditions you enjoy. Bake the cookies, trim the tree, light the menorah.
- Create new and meaningful rituals. Incorporate a tradition from your newfound heritage — a new recipe, music, or hang an ornament that represents your genetic background.
- Blend the old and the new. Combine the traditions you’ve always cherished with elements of your evolving identity.
- Creatively explore the various aspects of your evolving identity. Make a collage or start a journal. Begin to learn more about new aspects of your identity.
- Navigate new relationships with genetic relatives. New relationships can bring excitement and stress, especially during the holidays. It’s okay to take things at your own pace and focus on what feels manageable.
- Consider your needs with new relatives. If you have not connected yet, consider waiting until after the charged holiday season. If you are connecting, go slowly even if you feel intensified needs during the holiday season. It takes a while to get to know each other. If you are joining them for the holidays, be ready to feel some disorientation, as it takes a long time to get to know each other.
- Set expectations. Be honest with yourself and others about your emotional capacity and availability.
- Simplify interactions. With little or no history to fall back on, it can be stressful to even think about who texts first. Do you send holiday cards, and how do you address them? (“Dear Genetic Father is clunky, and Dad feels like a leap, but is Tom too neutral?”) Send a holiday text or card without overthinking labels (e.g., “Happy Holidays, Tom!”). And what about gifts? The list continues. Go slowly, and take good care of yourself.
- Seek support. You do not need to go it alone. Connecting with others who understand can provide comfort and strength.
- Join a community. Connecting with other DCP in online communities, support groups, or donor conception organizations like U.S. Donor Conceived Council can help you feel understood and less alone.
- Seek professional support. A therapist experienced in donor conception and/or identity, family dynamics, or grief can help you navigate the challenges of being donor conceived, especially during emotionally charged times like the holidays.
While you may struggle with being authentic about your feelings versus maintaining your sanity and harmony during the holiday season, know that processing your feelings about your donor conception is a work in progress, and you will continue to grow and understand who you are and what is important to you over time. And you do not have to go it alone. Other DCP are here to support you.
Joni Mantell, LCSW, had 30 years’ experience as a licensed psychotherapist specializing in donor conception and adoption when she learned from a DNA test that she was donor conceived. She has been a longstanding advocate for parental openness, offering counseling and workshops for parents on the topic, Joni is passionate about helping gamete recipient parents gain the confidence they need to be open with their children/families, and she is also passionate about advocating for change within the reproductive medicine industry. She is a frequent writer for ‘Ask A Therapist’ in Adoptive Families Magazine and a member of ASRM’s Mental Health Professional Group and donor conception taskforce. Joni currently serves as USDCC Vice President of Mental Health Initiatives.