DEAR ASK A THERAPIST: I’ve known I was DC my entire life but have always struggled with being donor conceived. I don’t like or agree with my parents’ choice of using an anonymous donor. I know their decision can’t be taken back, but I’m still so angry. I deserved to know my donor growing up, and it wasn’t fair that they chose this for me. I know the industry influenced their choice, but they still played a huge part in it. How can I feel better about this? — DONOR CONCEIVED PERSON
DEAR DONOR CONCEIVED PERSON:
I want to acknowledge the deep pain you’re experiencing. It’s clear that you’re carrying frustration and hurt, which are completely understandable. It sounds like you’re struggling with the sense that an important part of your identity was decided for you, without considering the potential impact on you later in life. Navigating the balance between understanding your parents’ intentions and feeling that their choices weren’t fair is incredibly challenging, to say the least. Wanting to know the donor and establish that connection is a completely natural desire; the anger you’re feeling from being denied that relationship is valid.
It’s important to remember that it’s okay to hold both of these truths: your parents likely made the best decision they could at the time, but that choice has still had a significant negative impact on you. You are allowed to recognize both their love and the pain their decision has caused. The anger you’re feeling is a natural response to that loss, and it doesn’t lessen their intentions but acknowledges the real effects on your life. Both feelings can coexist, and it’s okay to honor both.
As you sit with these conflicting feelings, I encourage you to be gentle with yourself. Anger, while sometimes uncomfortable, is natural, and it’s important not to rush through it or push it away. Instead, try allowing yourself to fully feel the anger. Mindfulness can help—breathe deeply, and focus on where the anger resides in your body, observing it without judgment. Journaling can also be helpful to release your thoughts and energy. Consider physical activities like walking, stretching, or a workout to help process the emotions.
When you’re ready, think about what will help you move forward in a way that feels true to you. This isn’t about ignoring the pain, but finding ways to regain control over your story and identity. If exploring your connection to the donor feels right, it could bring clarity and help you feel more grounded. And of course, working with a therapist who understands the complexities of donor conception could give you a supportive space to process these emotions.
Take care of yourself as you move through this process. There is no “right” way to feel or heal. This is your journey, and it’s okay to take it at your own pace.
Kat Boldt, LPC (she/her), Kat Boldt, LPC, (she/her), is a donor conceived person who completed her Master’s in Mental Health Counseling at Northwestern University in 2024. Initially studying Biomedical Engineering at Case Western Reserve University, Kat discovered her passion for mental health and shifted her career toward counseling. Now practicing at Cleveland Sex & Intimacy Counseling, Kat is committed to providing affirming care to adult clients dealing with issues related to sexuality, gender identity, and reproductive technologies, including donor conception.
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