DEAR ASK A THERAPIST: I need help with establishing boundaries. I found out two weeks ago that I have another half-brother (through the sperm donor). We have talked nonstop about everything and anything. We went to lunch over the weekend, and the waiter asked if we were on a first date and said they could see our chemistry from across the bar. I have met half-siblings in person before, but it’s never felt like this. It’s the same rush like you get trying to impress a crush but even stronger than that. Is it even normal for me to feel this way? Is something wrong with me? How do I handle feeling attracted to him? — DONOR CONCEIVED PERSON
DEAR DONOR CONCEIVED PERSON:
Congratulations on your recent discovery! I imagine you’re feeling a lot of different emotions right now—curiosity, excitement, a sense of belonging, and maybe even some confusion or discomfort. All of those feelings are completely valid; they’re clues about what you might need at this moment.
First and foremost, I want to assure you that it is perfectly natural to feel a powerful connection with a new sibling, especially in the unique experience of being donor conceived. This person represents a shared part of your identity, which can create a strong sense of connection, understanding, and even a fundamental sense of attraction as you explore what this new relationship might mean for you.
It’s also completely normal to feel uncomfortable, insecure, or confused, especially around emotions that feel like romantic or sexual attraction. These feelings, while intense, are not inherently dangerous or bad. Instead, they are safe feelings that serve as signals pointing to important needs or desires. For example, you might be craving connection or belonging, or recognizing a bond that feels rare and special. These feelings do not mean something is wrong with you; they simply reflect your experience of discovering a meaningful relationship.
When it comes to setting boundaries, try to approach your feelings with curiosity rather than judgment. They are not right or wrong; they just are. Think of them as guides to what you need right now, and explore ways to connect with your half-sibling that both honor your needs and maintain healthy boundaries. Remember, there are many ways to build a meaningful relationship without crossing any boundaries that make you uncomfortable.
If these feelings continue to feel overwhelming, consider talking to a therapist who can offer non-judgmental support in navigating this complex situation. Remember, it’s okay to feel everything you’re feeling! Take time to reflect on your emotions and enjoy exploring this new connection with compassion for yourself.
P.S. Just as intense feelings of connection are valid, it’s equally valid if you don’t feel that same level of connection with other new siblings. Everyone’s experience is unique, every relationship is different, and there is no right or wrong way to feel about these discoveries!
Kat Boldt, LPC, (she/her), is a donor conceived person who completed her Master’s in Mental Health Counseling at Northwestern University in 2024. Her Capstone Project focused on “Donor Conception, Late Disclosure, and Strategies for Mental Health Professionals.” Initially studying Biomedical Engineering at Case Western Reserve University, Kat discovered her passion for mental health and shifted her career toward counseling. Now practicing at Cleveland Sex & Intimacy Counseling, Kat is committed to providing affirming care to adult clients dealing with issues related to sexuality, gender identity, and reproductive technologies, including donor conception.
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