By Carole LieberWilkins, MFT
The holidays can be a joyous time, and they can certainly also bring a unique stress for families who had help to become parents.
Often we find ourselves at social gatherings with people we may not know well or at all. Usual social graces often include questions about whether or not you have children, their ages, and other aspects of your family. Easy enough to say, yes, you have children and how old they are. However, when children and parents are together at gatherings, or even if photos are shared, resemblance talk frequently comes up, inevitably comparing who children do or do not look like.
When resemblance talk comes up, decisions have to be made on the spot whether to share information about donor conception or adoption or however else your family was created. It is very helpful to have a repertoire of responses to pull out of your back pocket when you need it, based on how you feel, who you are talking to, and whether your children are with you.
Your options for responding include Privacy, Openness, or Secrecy.
Privacy & Openness
Privacy or Openness are proactive choices you can consider from a centered place, deciding what you feel is in the best interests of yourself and your children.
In determining whether to proceed with privacy or openness, you will want to consider your priorities relative to the moment, and the particular person to whom you are responding. What matters most to you? Informing or educating the person with whom you are speaking, building a connection/possible friendship with this person, modeling healthy conversations for your child, or just surviving the moment?
Talk ahead of time so that you, your partner, your children, and your extended family have an idea of one another’s needs and boundaries. It’s important to include even young children in how they want to answer inquiries or how they would like you to respond. We never want our children to feel shame about donor conception based on our responses. However, some donor conceived kids and adults don’t want it to be the thing that defines them or is always referenced, and others may prefer to be the one to decide whether or not to share.
Secrecy
Private matters are those we generally only discuss with people with whom we are intimate and with whom we share personal matters. But secrecy is always about shame and embarrassment and can adversely affect any children overhearing such conversations. It’s helpful to ask yourself why you are or are not sharing information because this can tell you if it is a secret or private. If you are afraid of what people will think of you, your family, or your choices, it’s a secret.
Responses that come from secrecy may be something like: “Oh, yes, she looks just like me as a baby.” Or, for single parents, a response like: “Their father is away on a trip.” Such responses are likely to stir up difficult feelings, reminding you of unresolved grief or shame about how you built your family, or anxiety about whether you will be perceived as a legitimate parent if you share the truth. While working on these feelings will likely be an ongoing process for you, you will most likely feel the holiday banter is just a process to get through. Still, you will want to respond in a way that is mindful of the fact your child may be listening, and you don’t want your child to feel shame about donor conception.
Managing Conversations
Some suggestions to queries about resemblance or similar topics:
When Privacy is preferred:
- “They look exactly like themselves.”
- “You never know how the DNA will come out.”
- “Well, they definitely got their love for [insert positive trait] from us!”
- “We love her hair color too.”
When wanting more Openness and connection:
- “We had a lot of help to build our family.”
- “We’re not all genetically related to each other.”
- “That’s true! [Child’s name] has their own unique look – maybe it’s thanks to our donor.”
- “Actually, she looks just like her genetic father.”
Any of these statements can be linked to a humorous or deflecting statement to get you out of the moment faster without sacrificing kindness. For example:
- “I want to hear about your holiday plans.”
- “Hey, let’s go get some of those goat cheese and fig tarts!”
Establish Boundaries
Some guests might probe further, whether out of curiosity or clumsiness. Parents can redirect or politely establish boundaries as follows:
- “We are waiting to share those details until our child is older and can guide us in what they want shared widely.”
- “It is an interesting topic, but let’s chat about it another time – I want to hear about your holiday plans.”
- For an LGBTQ+ couple, “Lots of people feel curious about how we decided who would carry our baby, but let’s chat about it another time,” or “Lots of people feel curious about how we decided who would carry our baby, but that’s private information we only share within our family.”
Most importantly, respect your child’s wishes about openness. Your child’s wishes will likely change over time, or if you have more than one child, they may desire different levels of openness, which will need to be considered and balanced with care.
Navigating these situations will be a lifelong work in progress, evolve over time, and eventually be ‘child-led’ as your children grow and determine the openness level. Be sure to access some of the support and resources available to donor conceived families, including those through U.S. Donor Conceived Council.
Carole LieberWilkins, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist (CA, NV, ID) in private practice. Her work has always focused on helping people build healthy families. She is a passionate educator, helping intended and recipient parents understand the unique aspects of creating a family with the help of other genetic providers (donors) and helping them to understand how to address the needs of their future children or the children they are already parenting. Carole also works with prospective donors and late-discovery donor conceived people. She is proud to work with USDCC, Donor Conceived Community, and ASRM’s Mental Health Professional Group.